Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
