I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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