I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
