Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
