Yo dont text me then not text me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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