ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
