Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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