omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
