Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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