I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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