I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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