Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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