I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
