you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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