Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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