how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
