I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
