life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
