i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
