I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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