watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
