I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
