you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
