So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
