He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's the barista slut.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
