I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
