i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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