I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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