Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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