i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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