Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
