i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
