I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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