Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You left your phone here
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