Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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