is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
