That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
