Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
