Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
