Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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