he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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