I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
