There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
