another moral hangover. fuck.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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