i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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