I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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