Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
