I think my vagina is haunted
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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