sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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