I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
