fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
