She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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